Top Ten Tips on securing a PS3 on the European launch date – this Friday!

Kudos to you if you’ve managed to forget all about the dreaded PS3 launch across Europe this Friday at midnight, but for the unfortunate three of you or so who actually want one of these waffle-irons next-gen gaming consoles, I’ve compiled a helpful list of tips for trying to purchase one on launch day, after seeing the carnage that was the Wii launch. The details of London’s official launch were announced yesterday afternoon, due to take place at Virgin Megastore on Oxford Street, where it was recommended you start camping from midday today (yes, that’s today, as in two full days prior to launch). So, grab your sleeping bags and your PSPs, and read on below for my Top Ten Tips. Not interested in the PS3 launch? Good on you Head on over to WiiWii.tv then!

1.) Get there AT LEAST 48 hours beforehand. Heck, in the US hardcore gamers were waiting 9 DAYS prior to the release of the PS3, so now’s the time to book those accumulated holiday days you’re owed at work. Or just quit, you wontcha be needing no schtoopid job afta youse getta holda d PS3, afta all. Although for the £425 needed to buy one, I seriously hope you have a Sugar Daddy to hand.

2.) Don’t be afraid to be ruthless. Remember, in the battle for a PS3, no-one and nothing is sacred (except, of course, the PS3 itself). Envision yourself as the gaming version of Gordon Ramsay or Joan Rivers, willing to cut any bitch down and even sell your own firstborn, just for the chance to stroke the shiny smooth surface of the PS3 which oh so happens to resemble a George Foreman grill…

3.) One word: Laxatives. Be overfriendly with everyone you’re queuing with, get your pal to save your spot whilst you go to Starbucks and buy (decaf) coffees for everyone. Sprinkle each coffee with laxatives, so they not only feel the drowsy effects of decaf, but they have such bad runs they must literally hobble home to visit the loo fairy.

4.) Outsmart the other gamers. Point out all the negative aspects of the PS3 (head on over to UK:Resistance for a whole site dedicated to ’em); dress up as a store employee/policeman and demand everyone leave the premises; call in a bomb threat; divert the Thames and flood the place; yell at the top of your voice that Forbidden Planet have a 50% off sale on Ghost in the Shell figurines, or that Tia Carrere is buying undies at a nearby Peacocks…

5.) Walk up to every male gamer in queue, and kiss him passionately, then scream at him ‘ZOMG why have you not returned my 167 daily phone calls after we slept together? We had such a good time that night, you, me, and the 360 controller…’ (especially if you’re a man!). Gamers don’t like you to question their sexuality, so they’ll probably scamper off back home to their mothers’ basements…

6.) The night before you camp out, download lots of Fiddy Cent and other annoying rap music, and play it as loud as you can from your tinny mobile phone speaker – gamers usually have an aversion to any music other than the orchestral soundtracks to Killer 7 or Final Fantasy. And rightly so!

7.) Hire a professional wrestler (or footballer, there’s so many out of work now, I’m sure you could get one on the cheap), dress him in bandages and dripping in blood, then send him down to the queue spoiling for a fight. Gamers only have strong thumbs, so won’t be much of a match at all for the Incredible Hulking Bloody Rugby Player.

8.) Send your girlfriend/boyfriend down there and get them to seduce a member of the opposite sex, leading them off to the nearest Holiday Inn for a lengthy session of in-out-in-out, thus eliminating competition. Obviously giving £20 to each of your female friends to do this to each man in the queue decreases the number of competition even more so. Basic maths, my man, basic maths.

9.) Get yourself a gammy codger or vadge, go to hospital and get a catheter, then escape in the middle of the night and run down to your nearest Currys. This will mean you’ll have an added advantage of not needing toilet breaks, and can edge closer and closer to the front of the queue as all those other worthless, bladder-dominated n00bs make frequent trips to the nearest gutter.

10.) Camouflage. Once you finally get your clammy, pasty hands on the PS3 with thanks to these helpful tips, pop it into a brown paper bag or garbage bag, or even under your dress, as people will try to mug you of it. It’d help here if you brought along some form of weaponry, like a big eff-off battle axe and shield, or even rip the PS3 box open there and then, and use the Sixaxis as high-danger weaponry.

Goodluck in your search, gaming-fiends, but I sincerely doubt you’ll have much trouble securing one – after all, it’s not like anyone else is actually wanting to buy one in this country, they’re all too busy on the Search For The Holy Wii.