10 ways to become the ultimate fanboy / fangirl

We love technology. You love technology. But do you really love it? Being a proper fanboy or fangirl is about more than trolling the internetweb finding people with an opposing view to flame. You’ve got to really go the extra mile, to prove you’re a genuine fanatic. How? Here’s some ideas…

1. Show up to every Steve Jobs keynote dressed in exactly the same clothes as him (note, this requires some early-morning stalking, a big credit-card limit, and fast transport).

2. No matter what the fancy-dress party theme is, even if it’s pirates, or tarts’n’vicars, always dress up as Mario. Then come up with a plausible reason why.

3. Insist on only making love to a looped version of the Nokia Tune. You’re allowed to switch to the polyphonic version when things get hot’n’nasty.

4. Carve HD DVD into your arm to show where you stand in the 4-real format war*

5. Actually pay £2,028 for a solid-state MacBook Air.

6. Pay £100 for In Rainbows just because the band deserves it (and to make up for pirating the previous six albums).

7. Call your firstborn Zune, your secondborn Xbox, and your thirdborn WindowsMediaDRM. Don’t call any children TabletPC or SmartDisplay though. That’d just be cruel.

8. Kidnap Asimo and torture him until he gets a dose of Stockholm Syndrome. Then marry him.

9. Hack your Wiimote to control every single item of consumer electronics in your house, including your washing machine, your central heating, and your garage doors. Then try to hack your cat to make it Wiimote-controllable.

10. Make the first dance at your wedding a step-perfect two-person recreation of Steve Ballmer’s Monkey Dance.

*Actually, don’t carve HD DVD into your arm. It’s a dreadfully dangerous thing to do. And BLU-RAY would be a more future-proof choice anyway.