Cocaine users bragging about it on Facebook – what else is lurking on FB?

Gary Cutlack Columns & Opinion, Internet, Web 2.0, Websites
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gary%20and%20sonic%20200.JPGGary Cutlack investigates…

Spurred on by media reports of pro-cocaine groups INFESTING the beast that is Facebook, I thought I’d have a look around and see what other shameful activities are listed on the social networking hotspot.

This is no mere blog update – it’s fierce investigative journalism that could bring the Facebook house of cards CRASHING DOWN!

Here are the top ten most shameful Facebook groups I’ve dug up today.

1. “People who like to sit in baths full of champagne whilst wanking and eating truffles and caviar and filling in forms for Job Seekers Allowance”
Sadly no one has uploaded any videos, which leads me to believe this may be a fake. I have signed up anyway, to, er, investigate further.

2. “If Kate Moss does cocaine, it should be legal”
Probably not entirely serious, this one, especially as it has the tagline “Cocaine is still illegal. Even with Kate Moss as their spokesperson.” Still, it’s all you’d need to hang a story off if you were a News of the World reporter looking to brand Facebook a SICK DRUGS DEN.

3. “Can we find 1 MILLION people that DO want smoking back in pubs?”
The answer to this pro-smoking campaign is a “no” – at the moment it seems to have maxed out its membership at 207k wannabe cancer sufferers.

4. “I bet I can find 1,000,000 people that enjoy Wanking”
I bet you can too. I bet I could today, just by picking names out of the phone book. The group currently only has 1800 members, though. Potential members are presumably a bit busy on other parts of the internet to sign up.

5. “Danger Wanking – UK Chapter”
This is a goup dedicated to nearly – BUT NOT QUITE – letting yourself get caught wanking. It only has 160 members right now. That’s not quite enough members for a tabloid outrage, sadly.

6. “I liked Ewan McGregor in Trainspotting because he was a heroin junkie”
265 members agree that McGregor’s skinny heroin chic look was a winner. If this isn’t a case of SICK SOCIAL NETWORKING SITE GLORIFIES DRUG USE then I don’t know what is.

7. “I Have a Desire for all Things Kinky and I Yearn to Become A Slave”
Genuine group alert! This friendly gang is looking for “those who have a lust or yearning for an alternative lifestyle and a longing desire to become a submissive or slave.”

8. “Competitive Masturbation League Global Division”
Includes discussions on lotions and creams. Not particularly safe for work, even if you work at a work that doesn’t mind you spending half the day on Facebook already.

9. “Enough with the Poking, Lets Just Have Sex”
“Cut the shit already, I want it, you want it, we’re not fooling anyone… let’s just have sex” says the group’s manifesto. And with a massive 367,000 members, it’s all the evidence we need to brand Facebook a SICK MEETING GROUND for sexual DEVIANTS.

10. “I Secretly Want To Punch Slow Walking People In The Back Of The Head”
Currently has 798,000 sick, violent members. A very good idea, but surely the best thing to do is kick them in the back of the knee so they fall over, then punch them in the front of the head?

Gary Cutlack
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3 comments

  • Glad you highlighted the wanking groups. My aim at Wankerparty is to bring all the wankers of the world together. You probably saw several other facebook masturbation groups while researching:

    there’s:

    ▪ Masturbation Is Not A Crime
    ▪ Animal Masturbation Appreciation
    ▪ Come Out of the Masturbation Closet .. (Number 2)
    ▪ Masturbation isn’t a hobby; it’s a sport
    ▪ Masturbation is a lovely little hobby
    ▪ don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone i love
    ▪ Pot noodle and a quick wank appreciation ▪ where is the strangest place you’ve had a wank?
    ▪ I wank on a daily basis!!
    ▪ Masturbation- A Way of Life
    ▪ Advocates of Frequent Masturbation…don’t lie, you do it too
    ▪ The appreciation of daily Masturbation

    And that’s just SOME of them, just the one’s I’ve joined already.

  • No, it’s not just you. I’ve written several short novels describing in great detail the processes involved in making stuff like that look like an accident.

  • I’m joining number 10 – do you think they have a sub group for the people who want to push dawdling tourists dismbarking from tubes onto the tracks?….. or is that just me?

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